3 Pro Tips For Surviving Being a Dad To Boys.
Because being a dad ain't always easy...here's 3 pro tips to help you become a pro father to your tribe of testosterone.
Tip #1 - Expect a Garden of Eden experience
Are you imagining a picturesque landscape complete with blissful unity and joy? Well stop. This is not about perfection. It's about nakedness.
If the high school locker room left you longing for the day when you never had to see another naked dude...think again. In fact, I'm pretty sure my youngest son thinks we all enjoy seeing his naked little buns run around the house (although that may be true for my wife). I'm also certain that he's convinced that his dance moves are enhanced when he doesn't have the restrictions of clothing.
So here's my pro tip: just get used to little naked boy buns running around your house and your wife laughing and thinking it is the cutest thing she's ever seen. And let me assure you, she doesn't look at your buns the same way! Which brings me to tip #2...
Tip #2 - Love is a battlefield
Your boys know how to woo your wife. So, you better bring your "A" game everyday...or your sons will steal the show and you'll be left in the doghouse. There is nothing they do that your wife won't find cute, sweet, funny, and downright heart-melting. My wife can watch our kids sleep and think they are the most precious, beautiful, handcrafted pieces of art God ever made. She looks at me sleeping and says, "Hey! You're drooling. And stop blowing your morning breath in my face." Know this, fellow husbands, you are not starting at zero in this competition. You are in the negative. Every day you've gotta be on your A game to show your boys and your wife that you're the man who created game.
Tip #3 - Always wear your cup!
Between light sabers and their obsession with ninjas, you will never be safe. Wear a cup, my friend, or you may discover that you aren't able to provide your wife with any new additions to the tribe.
No matter what you do, your sons will always think you are the evil Sith lord who has come to vanquish their small city of "Fort Living Room." Planning on giving your wife a kiss? Think again. You are a dangerous villain preparing to attack their beloved Queen. *Light saber to the crotch!* Trying to sit down beside her on the couch? *Ninja kick to the crotch!* Even sleep provides no sanctuary. It is inevitable that you will find yourself awakened in the night by a sharp kick to the crotch because some small person has crawled into the bed between you and your lady. The worse part of this is that the attacker will be asleep, so if you get mad, your wife will yell at YOU for being mean to her unconscious and "obviously innocent" angel.
Do you feel prepared, men? Good. Now, here's my best tip ever...Dad life is one of the greatest blessings you will ever have. Despite the crotch hits and naked eye assaults, these boys will also bring zany, unlimited joy...although, fair warning, boy joy usually has the unmistakable smell of farts.
Have more pro tips for your fellow dads? Share them...